The Lost Symphonies.

2010-10-19T12:19:00.002+11:00

somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience, your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look easily will unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully, mysteriously) her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;

nothing we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility: whose texture
compels me with the colour of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens; only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody, not even the rain, has such small hands

i cannot keep dreaming about you. i cannot keep dreaming. i cannot keep you. i can not.

If You Knew, You Wouldn't Ask.

2009-09-09T00:08:00.002+10:00

I want to tell you about clinical depression. About getting lost in a black cloud. I want you to know that it's not about you, or about our relationship; but about my head. When it hits, I'm not able to explain. I'm not able to ask for help. I am only able to disappear from view and wait for it to lift. I know it's a hard thing to be friends with someone who finds it hard to live sometimes. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't sit still, I can't concentrate. I am swamped with tidal waves of sadness and I can't look you in the eye. I feel hopeless and alone and lonely and unable to trust anyone who approaches. I want to trust you. I want to tell you what it feels like to be physically unable to stand under the weight of everything. But I can't. I can only pretend that I am fine, and be aloof and disant so that you don't ask me any tricky questions. So because I am dissolving, you are disappearing.

2009-08-20T22:46:00.006+10:00

one night while i was sleeping,
all my words escaped me.
i woke up halfway through,
but i was paralysed with loss.

all the definites and absolutes
went storming from my mouth;
they jumped off the bed and
thumped over the floor and
clumped out through the door.

all my verbs and doing words
fell right through my hands,
skittering 'cross blankets
and slipping into cracks.

all my never-saids and secrets-kept,
all my wishes and my dreams,
all my promises and histories,
came trickling from my eyes.

the little words,
the in-betweens,
my a's and if's and the's
just vanished while i wept.

foreign words i used to know
dripped and ran right up the walls;
building cobwebs, like spiders,
with ideas i used to have.

by dawn, it all had ended,
and i was left without a voice.
without a past or future,
without a thing to add.

wrong about me.

2009-07-12T12:35:00.003+10:00

you can put me up on your pedestal as many times as you want.
but i promise each time i will fall to the concrete and
my seams will tear and my insides will spill onto the pavement.
and you will be angry and furious and you will shout and swear.
but i was never meant to be shot to the ceiling,
catapulted to the highest of heights.
i'm taking the steps, and i'm taking them one by one.

(things have never been quite this complex. each new day brings new questions, that i've never asked before. i mean, i've shouted 'how long?' and i've screamed 'but why?'. but these days it's not all risen voices and impatient anger, or angry impatience. it's not knowing how long my love will last. it's a weak thing, worn down and riddled with holes. and we are stretching it and stretching it. oh, my friend, how long? how long until you receive the freedom that comes with peace, and the peace that comes with salvation? oh, you are okay with salvation, but transformation is a burden for everyone but you. i am grateful that grace is not just saving, but changing a wretch like me and i am being tested and i am being taught and i am being refined like silver in the fire and i am not supposed to ask, but what if i just melt away in this heat? there ae so many questions and not very many answers. oh, my friend, how long? how long until you unlock the prison cell you have built for yourself. you keep the keys on a hook beside the bed you're sleeping in, and you keep asking me to pass them to you but you've locked me out and i cannot reach.)

Certain.

2009-04-25T18:19:00.003+10:00

I have always sought certainty. And not in the scientific sense, of seeking facts and equations and algorithms, but a certainty of things unseen. And I've never been sure of too much. I'm prone to second-guessing, and even in the midst of great and serious love, I doubt that what I feel is real. Or enough. Likewise for the other person in the relationship. I'm usually battling the constant thought that their love is not genuine, deserved or real.

Maybe it's about proof. Needing to see proof that something unseen couldn't be extinguished. Proof that something intangible could last forever. I don't know. I'm not certain. But whatever it is, certainty attracts me like nothing else. In songs and movies and poetry and art. Like in The Tiger and The Snow, a movie I have returned to and returned to. He knows that she is the woman for him. Despite the way it might look, despite everything that befalls them. He knows. And it dictates his life.

And this song, which I have listened to over 60 times in the past two days. He is convinced! Nothing could ever end or change or effect his love. This is the kind of love I want. That I have always wanted.

And I have found it. And not in some small way. I am certain of the only thing in this world that matters. Everything else will fade away, and I will always be certain of Christ's death and resurrection and the weight that it carries. I know beyond knowing that it happened. I might not understand fully what it means, but I'm certain that it is salvation.

So I sing this song proudly. This world can throw what it wants at me. But I ain't gonna lose Him.

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

Fix You.

2009-04-05T23:20:00.002+10:00

We made plans to get dressed up, and go to a fancy restaurant. We were going to look amazing, take lots of photos, and spoil ourselves with a night out on the town.

But instead, we are going to get dressed up, and go to a friend's house. We are going to look amazing, take lots of photos, and spoil ourselves with a night eating with our friends.

And the best part of this, the reason for the change? Because we want to give that money we would have spent in some upmarket restaurant to someone who could use it. So we're giving it to an orphanage in Cambodia which is running low on funds. We are giving it with cheerful smiles, and prayerful hearts.

I love my generation. I love my friends.
But more, and most importantly:
I love my God.

You.

2009-03-17T00:02:00.003+11:00

I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might,
I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.

I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn't heal.
When friends said "Everything will turn out all right,"
I didn't believe a word they said.
I remember God - and shake my head.
I bow my head - then wring my hands.
I'm awake all night - not a wink of sleep;
I can't even say what's bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by.
I strum my lute all through the night,
wondering how to get my life together.

Will the Lord walk off and leave us for good?
Will he never smile again?
Is his love worn threadbare?
Has his salvation promise burned out?
Has God forgotten hs manners?
Has he angrily stalked off and left us?
"Just my luck," I said. "The High God goes out of business
just the moment I need him."

Once again I'll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders,
I'll ponder all the things you've accomplished
and give a long, loving look at your acts.
O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You're the God who makes things happen;
you showed everyone what you can do-
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.

(psalm 77)

The Mythology of You and Me.

2009-03-16T00:20:00.002+11:00

Coney Island.

2009-02-12T23:03:00.003+11:00

The door is closed but the window is open. The darkness is creeping in at the edges, and bringing the ghosts with it. Or perhaps the ghosts bring the dark. I can't tell the order anymore. But nevertheless, the ghosts are here and they came with questions.

The First one sits beside me, awkwardly grasping at the hat he has removed from his head. He looks at me, and he wants to know if this is the best possible world of all possible worlds. I can answer quickly. It is. Because I had you once. It was brief, and it was a long time ago. But I remember the night in perfect detail. Particularly our goodbye. You wrapped me up in your arms like I was a fragile, a breakable thing. Like you could keep me safe against the storm. And I believed that you could. You loosened your grip and held me at a distance. I made excuses to look away, though the memory of the weight of your hands stayed with me days.

The Second, more demanding the first, is interrupting. She wants to know if I stay unwell by choice. And I tell her the truth. That I don't, but I don't keep healthy by effort. I am looking forward to home. And that I am confident that, aches or not, my time here was always meant to be short.

The Third longs to know if I am content with all that I have wrought, and all that I have seen. I stand, and walk to the door. As I pull it back, the dark pours in and a thousand more ghosts clamour to be answered. Turning to face the Third, I can't offer a no, or a yes. Just an acceptance of my fate. And an understanding of the knowledge that I never had a chance. I was born to shed my blindness. I was born to see beyond this world. I am here to watch over everyone.

At The Bottom Of Everything.

2008-12-29T22:57:00.003+11:00

I want to write something fantastic about how I am standing at the edge of some deep dark cave with no way of knowing what lies ahead, but how I will leap ahead with the courage of a lion and the faith of a child. About how I do not know the path ahead, where it goes or where it takes me, or what to do, but how I have one hand holding the rail which guides me and one hand grasping a torch which lights the few steps ahead.

But too much has been written and too much has been sung and too much has been drawn for me to shed any light on this cold place I have found myself in. So I'm using the words and the art of others, which in no way cheapens the push and the pull I'm feeling to stumble into the cavemouth.

And into the caverns of tomorrow,
with just our flashlights and our love,
we must plunge,
we must plunge,
we must plunge.

Truth Or Dare.

2008-11-23T13:03:00.002+11:00

i am grateful
for good heads
on good shoulders.

The Ocean Gets Rough.

2008-10-28T17:20:00.001+11:00

It was not an easy thing, said Father James, to be the pastor of a flock. It might look easy to just sit up there in the pulpit night after night, year in, year out, but let them remember the awful responsibility placed on his shoulders by almight God - let them remember that God would ask an accounting of him one day for every soul in his flock. Let them remember this when he was hard. Let them remember that the Word was hard, that the way of holiness was a hard way. There was no room in God's army for the coward heart, no crown awaiting him who put mother, or father, sister, or brother, sweetheart, or friend above God's will. Let the church cry amen to this! And they cried: "Amen! Amen!"

I know that all things will eventually tear apart and disintegrate. Some days all that is left is to look forward to that. Everything is building to that inevitability. As relationships fail, as families fall apart, as countries war, as people disappear from our lives. As this world starts to fall apart, the storms growing wilder and the number of casualties growing. As everything you worked for turns to nothing in your hands.

I am grateful to have a Father who is in charge. Who takes me in His arms when things fall apart and says, "I am, my girl, I am." Who screams it through stormy nights and whispers it in quiet and terrible moments. I AM. I am in charge. I am in control. I am your Father. I am loving, I am holy, I am just, I am working all things to the good of those who love me.

This world?
It will not last forever.
It will be replaced by a new one when Jesus Christ comes again as Lord.
And it is a day that I wait on with a trembling, patient heart.
When I will be made new.

This Charming Man.

2008-10-20T22:45:00.003+11:00

You borrowed my favourite books to find out more. You covered the margins and blank pages with your thoughts and drew pictures and dreams. You gave them back, looking shy, offering replacements. I didn't sleep the whole night, but just read through those books and the things you had scribbled alongside. I told you later that I loved it. And I did. But with each page I have grown more fearful of that coming day. That day when you will disappear, with all my stories in your hands.

Before I Met You.

2008-10-20T10:10:00.003+11:00

I am tired of a God who is trapped to my dimensions.
I am tired of a God who is limited to only the things we can imagine.
We pay lip service to a God who is beyond all our imagining,
beyond all our understanding, beyond the reaches of our sight and knowledge and estimation.
We fall all over ourselves with surprise when He goes beyond our expectations.
It terrifies me how much our reaction is of joyful surprise,
when it should just be joy.
Are we to be shocked at His mercy?
Shocked at His grace?
Shocked at His sovereignty?

Perhaps it's because He is a God who is beyond. And our inability to comprehend His depth and length and height and width keeps us bound in shock and surprise. But I can't help but feel that if we were really waiting on the Lord, His answering and His acting wouldn't come as a shock. I'm not demanding that we take His power for granted, an assumed factor, but that we stop forgetting it.

Predictable.

2008-10-16T22:28:00.003+11:00

Here is a trustworthy saying
that deserves full acceptance:
Christ Jesus came into the world
to save sinners
—of whom I am the worst.
But for that very reason
I was shown mercy
so that in me,
the worst of sinners,
Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience
as an example
for those who would believe on him
and receive eternal life.

Now
to the King
eternal,
immortal,
invisible,
the only God,
be honor
and glory
for ever
and ever.
Amen.
1 Tim 1:15-17

A Thousand Steps.

2008-10-13T20:03:00.002+11:00

Like proud lions, we have circled each other endlessly.
Waging war with storm-filled eyes and questioning looks.
We gather speed, told only in the wake of destruction we have left.
Holding onto each incidental touch and accidental weight.
Like my head bowed low as i walk through a crowd.
But lo, this is ending
not with a whimper,
and not with a bang,
Just a scribbled apology on a note on the table.

Walking Worthy.

2008-09-22T11:05:00.003+10:00

(1) understand God's will.
(2) gain wisdom and spiritual understanding.
(3) please and honour God.
(4) bear good fruit.
(5) increase in knowledge.
(6) be filled with Christ's strength.
(7) have great patience.
(8) stay full of joy.
(9) give thanks always.

this is who i want to be. these are the characteristics i long to possess. some i am better at than others. some will take a long time to learn.
this is what i want for others. this is my prayer for my brothers and sisters. some times i pray weakly or selfishly, but this is my prayer for them.

so that we can walk worthy of the Lord. resting on naught but Christ's death and resurrection, and yet obeying and bringing glory to Him with our lives.

i want to walk worthy of the Lord.

Tether.

2008-09-18T23:50:00.003+10:00

I can no longer translate my thoughts to words.
I have begun to think in ideas, colours, metaphors.

I have lost all but the pillar of Christ.
All my intelligence is foolishness, all my pride is weakness and all my vanity shameful.
I feel adrift in a sea of teaching and learning, of hard lessons and expectations.
The anchors that kept me weighed, that kept me safe, are loosed.

My voice catches in my throat and I struggle to explain my despair.
He goes before, beside and behind me and yet I turn and cannot see Him.
My eyes are too used to the dark, and this glory is blinding.
Or else, my eyes are too used to the light, and this darkness is too much.

But He is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.
I know the God on whom I rely for all things.
I know Him in ways unknowable, unspeakable,
because He has given of me the Holy Spirit.
Who calms me, and counsels me, and guides me through even these most turbulent times.

Nine Crimes.

2008-09-08T23:38:00.003+10:00

I am looking to turn my life into a narrative.
Something artful, with symmetry and poetry.
All the guns placed on tables called into use by the end of the day.
(The futility of this has not escaped me.)

(Is that alright with you? Give my gun away when it's loaded. Is that alright? Yeah, if you don't shoot it how am I supposed to hold it?)

Assume.

2008-09-02T22:43:00.002+10:00

I think it is terribly easy to get lost in a sea of bad metaphors. Things about threads following needles (though I'm never quite sure who is which or which is who) or about towers that threaten to brush the heavens but never quite reach. I mean, the truth and the facts of everything lend themselves well to a straight narrative, and perhaps this is sometimes more poetic than my usual looping, tangled, cryptic prose.

And yet words do not come easy any more. They're still chosen carefully, each synonym weighed against the other, looking to create an easy rhythm; the kind of simple song you find yourself humming without remembering hearing. I can turn a phrase like I used to, but now I have little to describe. A depression that is not quite deserved, a sadness that is not quite justified. Some trembling relationships; a newness and rawness that keep circling us back to nothing.

I sit on trains and read my bible (always the NKJV; because I love the comfort of the weight of the bible) and think about the holiness of God. And I look around and I see these people who know nothing of His holiness, nothing of His love and mercy and jealousy. Nothing of the impending judgment. And my heart breaks for God, knowing that He is watching people every day choose to live without Him, watching these people live in sin and transgression and death. And my heart breaks for these people, because they are trapped in sin and transgression and death!

And so basically, my heart is broken. For this, and a whole world of other (infinitely more selfish) reasons.

Photobooth.

2008-03-17T11:40:00.002+11:00

I wish I had a polaroid, so that I could capture with ease and speed those moments. You know the ones. When the smile spread across your face is there of it's own accord, a reactionary smile to the company, to the music, to the jokes, to the feeling in the air. When you are surrounded by people you hope you can keep with you for the rest of your life. When you are perfectly and totally happy. When someone has surprised you with unexpected kindness and love and you are bowled over by the universe. By God.

I am either about to do something really stupid,
something really really smart
or nothing at all.

So I guess it's like any other day.

2007-07-10T22:42:00.000+10:00

This world's got me dizzy again.
You'd think after twenty-odd years,
I'd be used to the spin.

Aphasia Like looking for an expression on your key chain and spending all night in silence on the stairs.

There are no words for this.
Because I don't know what this is.
Don't know what I think it is,
what you think it is,
what we want it to be.

Take Apart Your Head.

2007-07-01T13:24:00.000+10:00

who do you carry the torch for, my young man?
do you believe in anything,
do you carry it around just to burn things down?

I think it's strange that things most deserving of awe, respect or worship
are the very things that we take for granted,
the things that we develop an apathy for,
the things we allow to slide down our lists of priorities.
And by this, I mean things like grace and redemption and love and sacrifice and passion,
in ways both sacred and profane.

How can people can come to a realisation one day, and go back to their old ways the next?
How can people take all the millions of blessings they have received, and run them into the ground?

you're shouting so loud,
you barely joyous, broken thing,
you're a voice that never sings.

No Seatbelt.

2007-06-12T00:24:00.000+10:00

I feel like a disaster film.
Not like watching one, but I feel like somehow,
I'm living like one.
There is this vague panic. We've made mistakes, and now our unavoidable doom is impending.
And everyone watching knows that this 'inescapable' impending doom
will be avoided!
And the body count will be low!
And the clever female scientist will inevitably lock lips with the handsome action hero!
(Actually, I am not so sure about any of this. I am not feeling very clever, and I'm yet to find a handsome action hero with whom locking lips - and not being chased with regret and guilt because in order for you to learn a lesson apparently you need to hurt the ones you love - and I realise I'm using a word we discounted and erased and marked down for a quick sale but the truth is, I have been far too critical and revisionist with our history; we probably used far bigger words than we should have, but at the end of the day - and I'm cutting it short because I still don't know how to explain myself - and this sentence is reaching gargantuan lengths, and I barely remember how I got here - is plausible. But there remains this sense of impending doom and yet knowing that doom will be avoided. So I go on with a metaphor that makes no sense so anyone but myself, and that's okay because I am the one flooded with a sinking feeling! And I am the one with this desperate need to overdramatise every moment. Like when hands brush or when he looks at you a moment too long and suddenly, you know that it is nothing and it would never be anything but it's everything, it's absolutely everything and you want to look away and let everything fade and drip away til there is nothing there but a faint memory that one day at one point there was a twinge or something that is now laughable! And years later, when we are settled and grown up and capable, you remember that moment and the two of you laugh over coffee and move quickly on to another memory. But another part of you, wants to stare back and keep whatever it is that holds his eyes to your pulled taut so that neither of you can look away. And challenges are laid down and cities are built and people are born and live great lives and pass away all in the time it takes you to realise that you should look away before it gets too awkward to stay in the same room! And then days later, you are still agonising over this decisions and you realise, I realise that it didn't matter. It was two seconds from a single day from a single week from a single year in your long long life. I am twenty years old, with the knowledge - yes, the knowledge - that I am going to live forever.)

But I have digressed.

The point is - I act a damn fool. When am I going to get it together? When am I going to be capable of knowing the right things to say and do, of realising who the right person is to fall for? When am I going to be able to make the right decision?

For now? The wrong decisions have been made. It was always going to go this way, from the beginning of the beginning of time. I haven't done anything unexpected or surprising to Him. But there are repercussions and there are disasters impending. The bridge will give way, the storm clouds will come. I will fight and I will survive. When will I stop ruining things?

El Torrente.

2007-05-08T00:14:00.000+10:00

I have learnt not to make expectations.
But there are some things
that will always leave me reeling.
And wondering.

There Is No Right Way.

2007-04-23T23:42:00.000+10:00

It is funny how we think we can fool ourselves.
And how we think that we can fool everyone around us.
Mostly, how we think we can fool God.
Like somehow the lies we use for ourselves will also work for Him.
Some of us use the cover of darkness,
or under different names.
We keep quiet that we're Christians in another part of our lives,
and keep the secret that way.
Some of us just lie. Until we're convinced it's the truth.

I am only seeing these things clearly in retrospect.
But in the end, there is no excuse.
There is only another sin heaped upon a dying man's shoulders.
A mistake He knew we'd make in the beginning.
And yet He calls us to Himself.

I wonder if this is how you felt, watching me.
I wonder how you keep quiet if you did.

There is no right way to do a wrong thing.

(my thoughts consume me
and you are losing me.

willingly.)

Just Watch The Fireworks.

2007-04-11T02:10:00.000+10:00

I wish I could press pause,
and shake you free.
Sit you down and tell you that
you're sinking.
There's a hole in the hull.
And you don't notice it at first.
But then you find yourself bailing water
just to stay afloat.
And you convince yourself that this is how things are
that this is all you could hope for
that this is all you need to be satisfied.
All the while making excuses to everyone around you.
But I promise you,
a day will come
when you can't bail fast enough.
And I mean that in a number of ways.

But there's no pause button.
Just like you can never hit rewind.

Awake.

2007-04-09T15:50:00.000+10:00

Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world's grief.

Do justly now.

Love mercy now.

Walk humbly now.

You are not obligated to complete the work,

but neither are you free to abandon it.

- the Talmud

He has shown you, O man, what is good;

And what does the Lord require of you

but to do justly,

to love mercy,

And to walk humbly with your God?

- Micah 6:8

Don't Forget To Be The Way You Are.

2007-03-25T23:26:00.000+10:00

I can count without using double digits
the number of people who love me
just as I am.

For all the friends I have collected along the way,
the number who love me for who I am are limited.
There are many who love me for the way I make them feel,
many who love me for who I can be for them, or the things I can do.
There are lots of people with whom I feel I need to make excuses
or apologise for myself
before they could love me.
These are the people who love me in certain moments.

But there are a few who love me.
For me.

This makes me sad.
That I spend so much of time apologising
for being who I am.
But mostly, it makes me happy.
Because I am amazingly blessed to know these people.

Evaporated.

2007-03-25T10:56:00.000+10:00

what happens when the things we want and expect
are different from the things we get?
where does the fault lie?
who do we get to blame?
not that we should be laying blame.
we talk endlessly of forgiveness.
and this thing called grace.
but we carry our small hurts with us
and we have chests full of unburied hatchets.
and it is pride
that keeps us thinking these things we want are right
and that we have a right to expect these things.
and it is pride
that shields our eyes when we look in the mirror.
we demand perfection.
and failing that, penance.
it is far too easy to lay the blame squarely on someone elses shoulders
and far too hard to forgive.

stop chasing someone to feel your guilt.

Stand In Your Victory.

2007-03-22T22:08:00.000+11:00

Thank God, all of life does not consist of evil days, but evil days come. These are days when circumstances simply stagger us, when we face some combination of events, some disheartening tragedy or circumstance that almost knocks us off our feet and we can do nothing else but hope to stand where we are. There are times when doubts plague us. We are exposed to intellectual attacks and we find we have all we can do to assert any degree of faith at all. There are situations and circumstances into which we come when we are overwhelmed with fears and anxieties and we scarcely can keep our heads, because we are under pressure. There are times when indifference seems to sap our spiritual strength so much we lose all our vitality. It drains away our will to act, our motivation, and we seem unable to make ourselves do the simplest things to maintain faith.

This is all part of the struggle. We get disturbed when we see our growth in the Christian life apparently stopped. Our ministry or our witness seems to be impossible or ineffective. All the challenge and keenness of our spiritual life is gone. What are we to do then? Paul says we are to gird up our loins, put on the whole armor of God, pray, and having done all, stand! Putting on the armor and praying will not necessarily change the circumstances. Then what? Then stand! Stay right where you are until the attack lessens. This is the final word.

--Ray Stedman

Blankets Of Ghosts.

2007-03-19T01:06:00.000+11:00

he said he was going deaf. in fact, i was becoming mute.

i am interested in the journey of words.
how what i want to say becomes the words i speak becomes the words you hear.
and the distance between the first and the third.
why our definitions are different from time to time.
i would like to know what causes a gaze to linger.
or a smile to widen.
what makes us reach for each other.
i want to understand the excuses we create.
and how we are always able to fool ourselves,
even when we know better.
with the little things
and the big things.

there are spectres that you expect to find
and others who don't belong to you at all
who wait maliciously
in the absence of a prayer
others are borne from pain
through chance encounters
but sometimes ghosts are harbingers
of where you were always meant to be -
or cautionary tales of what it means
to live a hybrid life
to haunt divided space
neither ever here nor there.

i am able to convince myself of a lot of things.
that this could be labelled distraction and destroyed.
that distance and time won't change things.
that one day we will look back on this point in our lives and laugh.
but some days,
some very clear days,
i am able to smile with grace and ease
and forget about convincing me or you

i forget sometimes that true honesty
includes being honest with myself.

Disaster.

2007-03-13T15:47:00.000+11:00

Things are tricky.
I wish I had more answers.
Solutions for you.
I'm praying.
I wish we could save her.
I wish I could save you!

I think the buck is passed too often.
We feel guilty for not being able to save someone.
But shouldn't we be taking some responsibility for ourselves?
I gave you everything you need. I told you. You have heard.
The rest is up to you.
I am praying on and on.
But you need to do something.

I am done with guilt.

Somehow, this new disaster is mirroring on the old.

Summer.

2007-03-04T02:18:00.000+11:00

This summer sped past me like a train.

Things changed a lot.
God found me hiding from Him
under the cover of comfort.
He blessed me with wisdom and grace.
And maybe you will never understand,
maybe you have all along.
But I know I'm right where He wants me.

We did a lot of wonderful things.
Berry. Woolgoolga.
Places I won't soon forget.
People who I'll keep.

I turned twenty.
I felt older. For a moment.
And now I just feel like me.
Lauren.

I don't know where things go from here. I'm not sure what I'm meant to be doing. If university is where I belong anymore, or whether I'm meant to be out in the world somewhere. So I just keep praying.

Home Again.

2007-01-12T20:42:00.000+11:00

I know now.
And I have the strength to do it.
He found me. On a cold and windy night.
I can't keep my heart from Him anymore.

Grace.

2006-12-26T15:18:00.000+11:00

I don't know if I am ready for beach mission.
I don't want to go.
I'm going to be tired and frustrated.
And I just don't know how much there is left of me to give.

That is horrible.

Christmas was beautiful.
I keep thinking about that man beside Jesus. The criminal, dying on a cross beside my Lord. Jesus promises him a place in heaven. Grace seems so simple in that moment.
And yet I struggle with it like it is a foreign word.

Winter Riot Hopeless Blues.

2006-12-15T15:24:00.000+11:00

The right thing is usually the hardest.
I wouldn't call it a weakness. I know there are many that disagree. With the decisions imposed and the decision made. But I am not anyone with that kind of strength. I am not the person you want me to be.

I want to serve Him. I'm not sure if I am. Properly.

I hate December. I do. It tears me up, every year.

Eggshells.

2006-11-01T22:18:00.000+11:00

we have to walk so softly.
whisper your words quietly.
or better yet,
just keep quiet.

things said,
things left unsaid.
thoughts kept inside.
trying not to rock this boat,
this leaky little boat that has somehow
carried us safe so far.

i'm trying.
to patch these holes
with promises.
and apologies.
(swear this is sincerity)

2006-10-12T17:14:00.000+10:00

the last time i posted here
was the 29th of june.

in the four or so months
that have passed since that date.

the pain from that heartbreak
has well and truly passed.
and that new character
has well and truly stuck around,
now playing a lead role.

he is pretty amazing.
i can't even explain it.
it's one month this weekend
and yeah.
he makes me smile
wider and more often
than i thought possible.

Threadbare.

2006-10-09T18:17:00.000+10:00

you were afraid that you would disappear. that you would be lost and forgotten. i held you tight against the dark and said that i would always come back for you. then one day it happened. you were torn from my arms and vanished from this world. maybe you don't remember my promise. but i do. every word. i hope you're not afraid, wherever you are. you don't need to be. i'm not. i will find you.

i am all loose threads.
and you want to pull me in different directions.
promisepromisepromise.
maybe every relationship
is made up of thousands
of intricate promises.
because of all the assumptions
we all make.
and all the things we
have come to expect.

i have let you down.
and not for the first time.
but i'm not making promises.
i'm going to give you the truth -
that it's too much for me now.
you think i'll have an easy solution,
a magic fix.
i cannot mend things for you.
i read to you about His love.
and i prayed with you. and for you.
and you'd better believe i still am.
and you'd better believe i still love you.
but this is bigger than me now.

he stepped away from me. and he opened the window and pointed to a star and said 'that's how far away i feel from you right now.'

one day
we will escape.
we will get this right.
we will finally be home.
we will come to appreciate the quiet beauty that is echoing through each and every one of our lives, instead of closing our eyes and wondering why we never see anything.
one day.

Promise.

2006-09-07T00:11:00.000+10:00

to whom will you compare me?
or who is my equal? says the Holy One
lift your eyes and look to the heavens:
who created all these?
He who brings out the starry host one by one,
and calls them each by name.
because of His great power and mighty strength,
not one of them is missing.

why do you say, o jacob,
and complain o israel,
"my way is hidden from the Lord,
my cause is disregarded by my God"?
do you not know?
have you not heard?

the Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired, or weary
and His understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary,
and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

[isaiah 40:25-31]

this is a promise that i count on. this is a promise that i rely on. because He is faithful. because He has done this for me over and over. He who hung the moon and placed the stars in the sky has power enough to strengthen me. this is the source of all my energy and time and faith and enthusiasm. i spend my life rushing and moving and doing and i am committed to a million different things, like youth group and bible study and work and uni and other ministries and friends and family and soccer and praying and reading His word and then there is all the extra stuff in a day like eating and sleeping and listening to music and trying to relax and watching scrubs and doing all the extra things that come with these commitments like writing studies or making videos or doing assignments and helping out and counselling and all of this stuff.

what i am trying to say is that last night i prayed that He would give me the strength and the time to finish everything i needed to before youth camp. two essays, the video, assembling everything, packing, babysitting, seeing people, everything. and then last night i was so exhausted that i just couldn't stay awake. so i made the decision to sleep. which sounds foolish. an available three hours to do stuff, after i've just prayed for strength to do stuff, and i choose to sleep? but then i wake, and the trains aren't running properly and now, laid before me is an entire day in which i can finish everything. i am rested and i am prepared to jump in and finish everything. i have the strength required to do everything. and i will always have the strength. because He is my strength. and He will never give me more than i can handle. because my strength is in the One who created the world, and keeps it running. because my strength is in the Father who loves me so much that He made the ultimate sacrifice, paid the ultimate price.

if you ever wonder how i manage to do the things i do?
this is it.
this is where my

strength
[He gives strength to the weary - isaiah 40:29]

peace
[peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give you. let not your heart be trouble, neither let it be afraid - john 14:27]

love
[and so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. in this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. there is no fear in love. but perfect love drives fear out - 1 john 4:16-18]

faith
[let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith - hebrews 12:2]

hope
[now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who has given to us - romans 5:5]

courage
[be strong and courageous. do not be afraid or terrified, for the Lord your God goes with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you - deuteronomy 31:6]

and
joy
[but let all those rejoice who put their trust in You; let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them - psalm 5:11]

is found.

Not Much To Look At.

2006-07-19T00:20:00.000+10:00

[ i used to live there. so you know. that hollow within your chest. inside your heart. i don't quite fit there anymore. somehow, all that empty space started pressing up on me, and it squeezed me out. maybe one day i will come home, but if you were wondering - if you ever wondered, you still have a place in mine. it's all cracked open and barely beating, but you know that it is there. for you ]

and i'm coming down, i'm falling down through the cracks in the pavement. you always told me i flew too high, but watch me now, i'm falling faster than you ever saw, i'm fading faster than you ever saw. i'll find someone new to be, someone patiently waiting for the clouds to clear before she takes off, before she leaves safety behind. you always told me i flew too high. this is it, the beginning, the end, the start, the finish. you always told me i flew too high. and maybe i did this to prove you right, or maybe i flew without conviction, maybe i never really flew at all.

in front of me
the waves crash upon the sand
the same way they have since the day they started.
the sun is rising,
red and furious in the distance.
the wind is fierce,
blowing sand into my eyes.
nothing has changed.
since the beginning of time,
nothing has changed.

and yet, everything has.

i have lost you.

staring out at the rain, thinking about all the times we walked home in it, too lazy to get out an umbrella. i remember the way the raindrops slid around your eyes and fell onto the collar of your school shirt. i remember meeting you for the first time, standing in the rain, waiting for the doors to open and band to play. i remember kissing you in the rain, jumping into puddles and spontaneously bursting into song. i remember when you asked me if i was crying, or if it was just the rain and not needing the answer. you just wrapped your arms around me. i remember late night thunderstorms, spent drinking coffee and watching movies. i remember your hair, water dripping onto your neck as you told me it was over, and walked away.

stories of superheroes,
and princes saving princesses in distress,
didn't mean too much to me.
until you came along.
an ordinary boy
who came along,
and without even thinking
twice
broke me free from
that tower of my own design.
you took on the monsters
kept inside my mind.
feeling free
i marvelled at the world around me,
the beauty i had forgotten.
i turned around to thank you
and you were gone.
i wanted you to stick around.
i wanted to say thank you.

you left.
and now all i have
is hope
and faith
and love.

We Are Nowhere [And It's Now]

2006-06-25T23:49:00.000+10:00

revenge.
is a strange creature.
and forgiveness even stranger.

and, given the dizzy spinning routine of this planet,
much has changed.
there is a new character
in my little movie.
i thought that he was fleeting,
but he has stuck around.
and we are neither here nor there.
we are friends.

sunrise
sunset.
right?

Forever Is Starting Early.

2006-05-04T00:01:00.000+10:00

your heart is like a great river after a long spell of rain, spilling over its banks. all signposts that once stood on the ground are gone, inundated and carried away by that rush of water. and still the rain beats down on the surface of the river. every time you see a flood like that on the news you tell yourself: that's it. that's my heart.

they were married young. they loved each other, a love as true and lasting as any from a fairy tale. they had two children, two boys. their love was built on tiny moments and small gestures. glances between them, hands held. honest conversations as they walked through the park. doing the dishes and putting soapy bubbles on each other's noses. kisses on foreheads, and notes left on the kitchen table. he left notes for her almost every day, sometimes just some small crosses, sometimes simply superhero or you're beautiful. these were the tiny things that their love was made of.

when they died, at the age of 81, they died within a day of each other. their sons, despite their grief and pain, were grateful that the two of them had known such strong love that one couldn't live without the other. the eldest son organised their funerals and begun to go through all the items and memories and objects that they had collected over their lives. while packing away their clothes, he found a box buried in the back of the closet. inside, he found their notes. the notes brought him to tears. he remembered seeing them as a kid, and thinking that his dad was a dork for writing them. seeing them now, seeing this amazing example of dedication and love, took his breath away.

the son, so in awe of the love shared by his parents, begun to write notes to his wife. almost every day, she would find a post-it, or a folded square of paper with something small written on it, often just a tiny heart. time passed, and the two of them grew up and passed on. their grand-daughter found two boxes buried in the closet, and once again, it brought her to tears. there were now thousands of notes, and she wondered that this kind of love could exist. she was 20 years old, and had never felt that kind of love. she wasn't sure what to do with the notes. she kept them for a long time, a little secret that she harboured. sometimes, if she was feeling particularly lonely, she would take out the notes and read some of them.

one day though, she suddenly thought of what she could do. she took the train to the city, and went up to the highest level of the tallest building she could see. she walked out onto the wraparound balcony, and emptied the box of notes, both the notes of her grandparents and her greatgreat grandparents onto the streets below her. a lot of the notes were picked up by passing business people and shoppers, and a lot of these people, touched by the innocence of the notes, have kept them hidden away in their wallets or in a drawer somewhere. but if you go to this city in the near future, you're bound to find one of the notes, still idling on a city street. find it. be reminded that love still exists.

drunk on your sweet martini eyes
i stagger legless through romance
sculling kisses
and vomiting pretty verse

the earth spins round the sun and the moon spins round the earth, and i'm pretty sure that that the stars stay still but i'm just trying to tell you that not everything revolves around you.

perhaps she was always going to leave
and i was just playing for time
not that it felt like that!

but by the fifth set
the scores were getting monotonous:
15 - love
30 - love
40 - love
point after point she scored against me
while all i had was
love
love
love.

anytime we have a conversation, there are so many layers that i get dizzy. there is what we are actually saying, the jokes and the words we spin back and forth. there is what i want you to hear, the meaning and the innuendo below the words i use. there is what i want to say, the truth and the desire buried too deep below the surface to find. there is what you actually hear, and i'm still not sure what that is. there is what you want to hear, and i'm not sure what that is either. there is what i want you to say, which is a lot of things you'll probably never say.
what i'm saying is that i'd really like to be honest with you, and have you be honest with me, but i'm a little too scared to play the truth card just yet. so i guess i just have to live dizzy til i find myself some confidence.

abcdefghiklmnopqrstuvwxyz.

darling,
i've tried my hardest to rearrange those letters to tell you how i feel. but that is something that is beyond me. twentysix letters never limited me before, but now i can't find the words to explain my heart to you. i can't construct the sentences, the stories i need so that you know that my heart beats faster with every step you take closer. look closer, it's written in my eyes. possibilities and promises, i need you to read me because i can't write this one down.
yours.

dinosaurs & hearts.

Boy Meets Girl.

2006-05-02T13:30:00.000+10:00

girl meets boy. girl falls in love. boy forgets her name. girl realises who exactly she's fallen for, and moves on. girl and boy live happily ever after. the end.

boy meets girl. boy falls in love. girl looks at him one day with a certain look in her eyes, and he realises that he's got to tell her now or he'll probably spontaneously combust. boy tells girl that he loves her. girl tells boy that she loves him. boy is shocked to discover that now the pair of them spontaneously combust. well, it's not really that spontaneous, it's just that it's probably impossible to feel this kind of thing for a person and to have them feel it back and have this happen at the same time between two people who are actually willing to admit their feelings. they don't live happily ever after because, well, they've become wisps of smoke and wisps of smoke don't really last that long. the end.

girl meets boy. girl doesn't fall in love and neither does boy. they live happily ever after, separately. the end.

boy meets girl. boy falls madly in love. and he doesn't say a word for the rest of his life, but ends up settling for someone else who had the courage to admit that she liked him, and he admired her for that. they live happily for awhile. the first girl, completely unaware of the boy's feelings, waits patiently for her knight in shining armour. the end.

girl meets boy. girl falls in love with boy, and boy falls in love with girl. they hold hands and they dance to slow songs and they make silly promises while standing on the beach. then one day, there's a little less love than the day before. and one day they wake up and they realise that they don't want to be in love. they realise that they aren't in love. boy and girl go separate ways and go on to live happily ever after. the end.

boy meets girl. boy falls for girl. girl falls for boy. they live happily ever after. the end.

girl meets boy. they fall madly in love. girl breaks boys heart. he wanders and he ponders and he contemplates his life. girl realises what a terrible mistake she's made, and rushes back to him. he tried but he can't forgive her. neither of them live happily ever after. the end.

boy meets girl. boy falls in love with girl. girl falls in love with boy. they begin to date, and things go splendidly for quite some time. but then both boy and girl become uneasy about how easy it is, and begin to long for some sort of drama or misery to break the monotony of contentment. they argue. they fight. they break up. they miss each other. the end.

girl meets boy. girl falls for boy. boy falls for girl. it all works out and they get married. quickly, they start to feel like fictional characters and attempt to rebel against their author. they try and the try to run away and to find another boy or another girl, but it doesn't work because the author is the one who writes the end, and i'm not writing it til they live happily ever after. the end.

boy meets girl. he falls in love. he brings her flowers and he writes her songs and plays them to her on his electric guitar and he makes her tapes and he generally does all the right things. she tries to explain that she doesn't feel the same. he doesn't listen. she hits him over the head with his electric guitar and he dies. she feels pretty guilty. the end.

girl meets boy. girl and boy become best friends. the end.

boy meets girl. boy doesn't fall in love, but the girl does. boy dreams of meeting someone. girl kicks him for being ignorant and naive and blind. boy kicks girl for kicking him and girl, disgusted that he would kick a girl, doesn't like him anymore.

which one are you? our lives don't fall into pretty little patterns.
and you can't demand a fairytale kind of life
in his heart, a man plans his course. but the Lord determines his steps.
proverbs 16:9

girl meets boy.
(you can't tell me how this one ends. but i want you to tell me what comes next)

lowercases & CAPITALS.

2006-03-19T23:13:00.000+11:00

in some certain moments,
things are exactly the way
i want them to be
for the rest of my life.
and i mean that
every single word.

He has blessed me so much.
and continues to bless me.
and more than that,
He is using me as a blesssing.
though i think i must make it difficult sometimes.

my challenge this weekend
was to pray for something
i didn't want.
so i prayed
not only that it would happen
but also that i would begin to want it to happen
that i could humble myself
and see someone else's needs
as more important than my own.
and in the end
it didn't happen.
and a tiny part of me was glad.
the same part of me that turns green at the drop of a hat
and floods with jealousy.
the same part of me that burns bright red
and gets angry quickly.
but the rest of me
was genuinely sad
and prayed for
another
chance.

i am watching the Lord work
in my life, and in the lives of my friends.
and it is such an exciting thing to see.
like Brendan.
who is beginning to be a fan of Jesus.
and he is changing and growing and beginning to understand
and it's beautiful to watch.
and beautiful and terrifying to be a part of.
but He has this all planned out.
and it feels like this is the right time
and the right place
and like it's all going to fall together.

HeavyHearted.

2006-02-22T23:42:00.000+11:00

You noticed that she seemed sad.
But I was crying and you didn't say a word.
I suppose we always pay more attention to the ones we love more.
We notice the subtleties of their conversation, their movements.
And he sees me like no one else,
and you only have eyes for her.
Have things worked out perfectly?
Or not at all?

[what happens when someone is too busy, or just not around, or fallen down themselves? honestly, i can't hold myself up anymore.]

My Heart Races And Loved Ones Get Hurt.

2006-02-06T16:12:00.000+11:00

iamready.

my life is gogogo. i don't want to slow down, never slow down

i am working at least four days a week because i need to save, and also because i honestly love to work. and i love being given new responsibilities, and being trusted so much.
i am studying at uni two days a week, provided that i get the uni timetable i wanted. i'm just doing a commerce degree now, but it's quite exciting.
i am leading youth group every friday night, with some of the best leaders ever, and definitely the best kids ever.
i am witnessing to a group of primary school kids every thursday morning, developing relationships and hanging out and making friends.
i am learning about God all the time, but especially at bible study on wednesday nights and church on sundays!

i am spending all the rest of my available time with my friends, my family and at concerts.
there is no boy in all of this because he is too scared to say anything and so am i. and i might just be lying to myself to save my heart, but it's probably for the best because i don't have time for a boy right now. and i would be sad to lose him in the end, as i inevitably would. so i am signing off love and teenage crushes. my final year as a teenager will be crush-free.

i better run, because it is time for work.

fasterfaster.

2006-01-19T22:37:00.000+11:00

I said it'd be a few days before I saw you again.
You changed your plans so that we could see each other tonight.
Someone changed my plans so that I was somewhere else.
And it looked like I had blown you off.
And I didn't.
I wanted to be with you.
But as sorry as I was,
I wanted this to make you jealous,
to see that you have to make some sort of claim on me
to have some sort of claim on me.

Off By Heart.

2005-11-28T22:46:00.000+11:00

things are impossibly pretty, at times.
and i know that God is the one orchestrating this,
conducting this simple, heartbreakingly beautiful symphony.
when all the notes collide in the air
and fall down into place.

Twilight

2005-11-19T12:04:00.001+11:00

My favourite hugs are the ones where they don't let go for a long long time.

Last night, Matt P had his goodbye party.
He leaves sometime soon, I won't see him for months.

Last night, I fell apart a thousand times over.
Last night, I fought the same silent war we always fight,
except last night I won.

Scream The Word That Could Save Us All.

2005-10-30T23:09:00.000+11:00

Cast your cares on the Lord,
and He will sustain you;
He will never let the righteous fall
Psalm 55:22

my admission: regret.
Lord, I am trying to do this all on my own.

I like it best when I am watching you out of the corner of my eye. And you are there, looking at me so intently. And I turn and our eyes catch each other and there's unanswered questions enough to silence you and force me to turn back around.

I've been reading a lot of e.e.cumming. Gosh, he is a beautiful writer.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Forever is such a difficult concept. One of the things that gets me about heaven is the idea that I will love everyone equally [did you note the confidence with which I declared I'd be there?]. In heaven, perfect as it is, there will be no cause not to love, and not to love wholly. As such, those I hold closest to my heart now will fade into the crowd. And I am selfish enough to want to keep them close, want to keep them nearer to me than any others. I am selfish enough to want them to love me more, most.

The other thing is the idea that I will be happy without some people. Friends and family that have rejected God, that have turned away from Him. How could any place be perfect without them? How could any place be perfect without all of creation?

I know the routine answers to these questions. But I am human, and I am selfish, and I love the wrong things.

all over you.
love,
it is your voice alone
when you are singing just for me
that sends that certain
shiver down my spine.
it is that look
in your eyes
when you are looking
at me.
it is that smile
that you save
for when no one else is watching.
it is your hands on mine,
on my
faceneckshoulderarmbackwaist.
it is the words
you say to everyone
but mean for me,
or the ones you
keep for me alone.
it is the way
that you crept into my life,
and left your mark
all over me.

I have an exam tomorrow morning. I am finding it difficult to care about university, truth be told. It's an apathetic feeling. This thing I hate the most about the week ahead of me, to be completely honest, is that I won't see many of my friends. In fact, with the exception of Alix on Tuesday [and of course the people at uni], I won't see any of the kids who are holding various pieces of my heart til Friday night. And that is why I am not looking forward to the next five days.

This is the Story of How:

2005-10-28T02:48:00.000+10:00

Take heart, sweetheart, or I will take it from you.

becomes

Take heart, sweetheart, because you know that you have mine.

This Is Your Life And It's Ending One Minute At A Time.

2005-10-25T12:34:00.000+10:00

My dear, we are star crossed lovers, and I ache to join you in the heavens...

I'm Never Going To Get This Right.

2005-10-24T00:31:00.000+10:00

I know I'm the one you are seeing today.
But your past is all caught up in her.
And probably also your future.

Retrace The Steps.

2005-09-28T00:56:00.000+10:00

take my heart if you like the beat.
take my lungs if it's hard to breathe.

The Way My Words Were Fading.

2005-09-13T09:26:00.000+10:00

The world is so much bigger than I am. Sometimes, it's all I can do to keep trying, because this world seems so much stronger than me. But I can do everything through Him who strengthens me. That's one of His promises to me. And he proves it over and over. I am so grateful for his presence in his love. Sometimes I mess up, and place this world over him. I start to rely on my friends more than I should, I get caught up in the matter at hand, whether it be work or youth or uni. And I start trying to do it all on my own. Those moments of weakness are my darkest, trying to distance myself from God. But they serve to highlight the beauty of those moments that I am trying to get closer, the wondrousness of life when I am doing it all for him, through Him, with Him.

If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul?
Mark 8:34b-36.

I Love You. Pt. 2

2005-09-08T00:31:00.000+10:00

Our eyes say so much more than we do. Like the other night, when you reached over and put your arm around my shoulders. I reached up and and took your hand, turned and looked at you. We just stood there, lost to everyone around us for a few seconds. Your eyes were asking so many questions. I don't have all the answers, I just don't.

I know this won't be easy.

I don't know what I'm thinking anymore.

All I know is that it's getting harder to be with you, and not be with you.

I Love You. Pt.1

2005-09-06T09:40:00.000+10:00

I didn't tell anyone, for fear of getting an automated response - but I started this week with a pleading in my heart. I needed to hear someone say that they loved me. I needed someone out of nowhere just to say it, and mean it. I don't know why. It's a kind of desperate feeling. Needing to know that people feel things that they don't say. Just to reassure myself that people could mean more than they do say, want more than they say.

Yesterday, Jo turned up at my door. I am sick, at the moment. I was in my rainbow pajamas, sneezing and coughing all over the place. My hair looked like a bird had tried to make a nest in it, and rejected it. She ran up the stairs and gave me a small package, a letter full of love and badges.

Last time I saw Jo was six months ago, at a train station. We were polite, but distanced. It had been so long since we had talked. Both our lives were, in that moment, working out quite well. The absence of the other from our lives didn't appear to have impacted it in any way, on the contrary, our lives were flourishing. Not because we had drifted, more in spite of it. And it's not as though things are now suddenly falling apart, things are actually okay. It's just that we realised what a space we have left, one that cannot be filled by any other.

It does the heart good to realise that time/distance can mean so little.
It does the heart good to hear that someone is missing you.
It does the heart good to hear the words "I love you."

Do You Believe In Destiny?

2005-08-17T18:45:00.000+10:00